Tuesday, February 7, 2012

A Piece of our journey

As I reflect back on just how far we have come. I opened a blog I had started when Trenton was born. Most of you know our story. Trenton was born with the #1 birth defect. A birth defect I had no idea about, or even knew existed a few short years ago. After our 9 months of waiting, 5 ultrasounds, and lots of preparing.....we weren't prepared for what would be told to us 7 hours after his birth. Trenton had a CHD. An AV Canal defect which basically means he had a huge hole in the center of his heart which encompassed all 4 chambers. We were told he needed open heart surgery to survive, and that would happen at about 3 months of age. Awaiting that surgery was one of the hardest times in my life. I was lost and scared and felt completely out of control. About a month after he was born I wrote this letter to him, and felt the need to share it today.
On June 30th, 2009 our sweet Trenton was laid in the hands of an amazing surgeon and came out 5 hours later with a little mended heart. We have come a long way since then. And we are forever grateful for the surgeon, the hospital, and everyone along the way who helped us through it. Today we fight for other babies. Other scared moms. Other out of control dads. In hopes that we can bring Hope, Help, and Healing to them.
Anyway....Here is that letter from April 2009:
Letter to TrentonMy beloved son,As I sit here today, watching you sleep I can't help but think of how lucky I am to be your mom. My hopes for you are that you always feel the love I have for you and that everyday for the rest of your life you are happy and content and full of joy. You have brought so much love to our lives. Your daddy and Me. We love you very much. I struggle with the pending surgery you will have to go through. I hate it for you. I cry when I think about it. Still today. It's been almost a month since I found out you would have to endure the pain and I'm still not ok with it. I hope that God sees you through the pain and you are comforted by him being there by your side. Mommy would do anything in this world for you not to have to go through this. Your sissy said mommy the other tonight that she would give you her heart if she could. She would endure the surgery for you if it meant that you wouldn't have to be in pain for one minute. And I feel the same way. We all hate it. We all cry over it. but alas, we can't. We can't walk in your shoes. We can only comfort you and love you and try to stay strong for you. We have about two months before we have to take you to the hospital and place you in the arms of the surgeons. I'm trying hard not to think about it. Although I don't do very well with that. My heart hurts me everyday amd I hate that I have to let this happen to you. I hate that I have to put you through this surgery. At the Cardiologists office while I was sitting with you during your Ecko, I decided that I have learned more about the heart then I ever wanted to know. The heart should jsut work. We shouldn't have to worry about how it works. It should just work. Thankfully we have a great Childrens Hospital here that have excellent surgeons that do really care how the heart works. Me? I just want yours to work. That's all. I'm sure in the months to come I will write you over and over again about how sad I am about this. It's amazing the amount of strength I have found since I don't have a choice but to find it. And I hope that feeling continues so that I can stay strong and me a good mommy to you.You look beautiful today. As you do everyday. You have my nose and look so much like your daddy. I love you baby! So much more then you will ever know. Stay strong and keep on growing so that the doctors can mend your heart and we can get on with living life. Love you baby Trenton. Love forever, Mommy

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