If only.....

So, today is one of those days. It's only 10 AM and I'm whipped. It's been a long morning. I find myself dreaming of life without the challenges we face here everyday. Find myself dreaming about how it "would" be. If only....

If Only I could talk to my 6 year old and enjoy our morning. And not have the tantrums and the meltdowns over things like putting the sugar on the cereal BEFORE the milk, or why is it raining today. If only those things didn't matter to him.

If Only I didn't have to take him to his social skills class 5 days a week. Packing up the babies and myself to drive him there and pick him up later. If only he could just stay home and play like other kids.

If only Little Baer didn't have to have therapy 4 days a week. 7 times a week. If only we could just have fun and not worry about walking and talking and eating. Like other families can.

If only the decisions I have to make about Little Baer and Brother Baers futures weren't so hard. If only starting school next week was an exciting time filled with great expectations instead of dread of when Brother Baer would choke his teacher next or assault a classmate.

If only Brother Baer didn't have 3 therapies a week. And my life wasn't comsumed with therapists and doctors.

If only I didn't worry about things like hearts working right and blue lips and sweating with feedings.

If only I was niave. Just for one day if i were Niave like some of my friends....like I used to be before all these things came to me. i could relax and just enjoy my life as a mother without all the worry and stress.

If only I worried about silly things like other moms do. And people could laugh at me for worrying about them.

If only.....

I didn't know so much.

I didn't want to be informed and educated on a billion different topics. LOL.....Really I was happy not knowing.

I didn't want to know how to fill out a 75 page IEP. Didn't really care to know what an IEP was to be honest.

I didn't want to know how hearts worked and all the things that could and would go wrong.

Silly to think of those if onlys. It doesn't change my course. It doesn't make me wish I didn't have to walk this walk. It doesn't make me less in love with my miracle children. They are my precious gifts.

Just would like somedays to be simple. Easy. Fun.